As a white suburban male who once played representative sports in high school, Euan Spankins (32) is blessed with the kind of arrogance that means he thinks he’s above reading hiking maps.

But today, The Advocate can report Euan has been forced to reflect on his dwindling physical health, as he struggles to partake in a weekend hike in the Grumpian Ranges, a collection of hiking trails west of the Diamantina.

Usually one to spend his weekends hopping between pubs within his immediate neighbourhood, Euan has reportedly been forced to leave his suburban enclave today after giving into his girlfriend’s request to try to find a watering hole she keeps seeing on TikTok.

But after briefing glazing over the National Parks map in the tourist car park, Euan scoffed at the news that ‘Dingleberry Track’ was considered a grade 4 hike and that “Bushwalking experience is recommended”.

Now one hour into the first climb of the trail, Euan was forced to take a breather as his vape-ruined lungs struggled to handle the mildly steep incline.

Wearing a pair of old Converse sneakers and some basketball shorts, Euan began leaning on a Waddi Tree as he politely let another group of walkers past who were well equipped to handle the trail.

Charging past in Gore-tex hiking boots whilst slurping on water funnelling from Kathmandu hydration backpacks, Euan got nervous when he realised the fit hikers looked like they were prepared to tackle the Larapinta trail.

“Hey…” Euan gasped as they soldiered past, “Not long to go!” he added cheekily as if they were the ones in physical distress.

Bemused to see a clear novice struggling to get his barge ass up the grade 4 incline, Tasmanian tourist Hanson Sculthorpe (48) answered back with a hidden jab.

“If you only want to get to the lookout, it’s just another 5 minutes” replied Hanson smoothly, without breaking a sweat.

“It gets a bit hairy from there, good luck.”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here