Just like a doctor delivering a grave diagnosis, local bald fella Campbell Head (35) has taken up the mantle of telling his balding brethren just how long they have left.

Having shaved the lot only five years ago on the eve of his 30th name day, Head has become somewhat of an inspirational figure in the bald/balding community, rocking that shiny round top like a warrior wears a helm of castle forged steel.

Aside from modelling hats and providing sunscreen, Head’s other duties include answering questions from insecure balding men about how much longer they can expect to have hair.

“Usually at the pub, work drinks or a BBQ I’ll be chatting with someone I sort of know and then they’ll take off their hat, show me their hairline and ask how long they have left,” stated Head.

“I always make sure I have a good look. If things are going well I’ll give them their window in years but sometimes it’s a matter of months.”

“It never gets any easier.”

Head then went on to explain that usually his diagnosis comes with a side of ‘just shave the lot now’ so that the fella will never ask him again and in the hopes that there will be another bald brother out there in the world.

“I tell them they’re about to be permanently aware of the direction of the wind and bump their noggin like a cat without whiskers.”

“They’re probably going to go down a wicked big rabbit hole of ‘cures’ that will only result in those turning point cunts advertising to you with increased intensity.”

Other bald realities Head shares with his balding men is the comradery in the bald community, the inspiration it gives you to get fit and how lots of people will try to stick rubber toys to your head.

“It doesn’t annoy me though. What does annoy me is when perfectly hairy guys with the faintest shadow of a widow’s peak try to relate to you. Most of them will still have hair into their 50s so we really don’t consider them as part of the bald community. Never seen them at the meetings either.”


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