RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
The World Bank, the US Federal Reserve and pretty much everyone else is about 95% sure we’re going to enter terrifying global recession.
If this does happen, The Advocate can confirm that life as we know it will stop. There will be no more hope, the economy will be up the toilet, and no one will understand why.
This is an economic crisis of unprecedented complexity and scale, and there is no historical pattern to point to that can help us understand how we got here. Apart from those previous recessions that happen regularly, because, capitalism.
While no one knows for sure, it seems that through its inherent contradictions capitalism has progressed us into this next state of crisis, making this latest recession a completely normal part of the system in which we live.
However that has not stopped economists, bankers and politicians absolutely losing their minds over a little number on a stock market graph that has moved downwards a little bit and destroyed everything they’ve come to depend upon as good and proper.
“We don’t know why this keeps happening?!” screamed a capitalist pig from the steps of Betoota’s Financial District Offices.
“I’m soiling myself in fear ahhhh!” another capitalist pig oinked as he rolled over in mud.
High above, the imposing and unknowable entity, Capitalism Itself, the guiding hand that governs our every move, gracefully phased in and out of 3 dimensional space as it floated down towards Betoota.
Through mental telepathy, it communicated to the Advocate that this is just what it does, and that it doesn’t understand why people freak out every time this happens.
“Capitalissst productttion dynamicsss,” hissed the giant ephemeral form as it entered our reporter through some kind of osmosis before disappearing via the backdoor to infinity.
It returned majestically. “Thisss happensss oftennn,” the immaterial Thing shrilled before choosing to leave the visible light spectrum even though our reporter could sense it was still there.
While it remains unclear whether any of us will survive this crisis, what is clear is the message from global leaders: It’s time to PANIC, FUCKING PANIC!