ALISON SCHENK | Entertainment | Contact

Local Ambulance attended a French Quarter residence today after emergency calls were placed by a woman with a touch of the sniffles. 

What began as a regular day for Mary Swanson quickly escalated into tragedy when a fourth sneeze in a row completely incapacitated her entire body. An injury that some would call a ‘rite of passage’ in one’s late 30’s; the lumbar strain caused by nothing came as quite a surprise to Mary. 

As a relatively-happyish-but-will-never-own-a-home-quit-kidding-yourself 38 year old, Mary comes from the ‘Elder’ or ‘Ageing’ Millennial generation; too old for TikTok but too young to be outwardly annoyed by being too old for it. 

“It’s a stuck-in-the-middle age group”, Mary laments while awkwardly leaning against a table in the only position that doesn’t make her scream expletives to rival Alf Stewart, “I mean, we’re wearing straight leg jeans now, but we also love air fryers. It’s hard to navigate sometimes. But now I have to worry about sneezing wrong?? I didn’t even know that was possible.”

When The Advocate spoke to one of the attending first responders, he remarked “what we came upon in that house really shook us. Not because she had a sore back, like welcome to being a human, but because she only got to 4 sneezes and not 8”, he laughed, while all the other first responders also laughed. When asked to elaborate, he scoffed “you know what they say about 8 sneezes, right? OI BLOKES, THIS ONE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT 8 SNEEZES hahahah!”

At the time of reporting and after a quick google search it is understood by The Advocate that 8 sneezes in a row is meant to simulate an orgasm, which we totally knew anyway.


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