18 September, 2015. 11:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
[dropcap]L[/dropcap]ATE LOS ANGELES PATRIARCH Robert Kardashian was reportedly recorded at close to 1500RPM this morning as his family continues to make news for all the wrong reasons. This level recorded today is significantly less than the speed the deceased lawyer reached when Bruce Jenner, a man tasked with keeping the Kardashian Klan on the straight and narrow, decided overnight that he wanted to be a woman. Moments after that announcement, Robert Kardashian was recorded at over 7500RPM.
Speaking from the grave, Mr Kardashian outlined how he was feeling about the whole debacle that is the Caitlyn Jenner story.
“I knew Bruce well, great bloke. Fantastic athlete and a man who’d never shy away from a cold beer,” said Kardashian. “But if I’d known then what I know now, I’d rather have OJ look after my family.”
Another compelling mitigating factor to Kardashian’s steady spin speed is the fact that his children are continuously hijacking the mainstream media, which forces more socially important stories closer to the middle of newspapers and magazines around the planet.
“My family fled to America from Armenia to escape religious and ethnic persecution,” said Kardashian. “Now there’s an equally as important humanitarian crisis happening in Syria and all
people care about is the colour of my daughter’s fucking handbag.”
The former defence lawyer’s sentiments were echoed by other media commentators and analysts, who agree that the people who follow the Kardashian cult should shoulder some of the blame for the ongoing humanitarian disaster in the Middle East and Europe. Kevin Blackmore from FOX24 KBBL Orlando launched a scathing attack on the living Kardashians and “Jenners” from is news desk last night.
“The only redeeming feature about people like George Clooney and Angelina Jolie is that they use their clout and image to raise awareness of issues such as Darfur and Syria. That’s all good and well and I congratulate them for that,” said Blackmore. “However, you have these people, arguably the most famous in the world, who do nothing except live for their own benefit, despite coming from a family that arrived in this country amongst the downtrodden and persecuted masses.”
The Los Angeles County Department of Medical Examiner-Coroner will continue to monitor the speed at which Robert Kardashian spins in his grave.