26 April, 2016 17:15


Following the news that Papua New Guinea’s Supreme Court has ruled Australia’s detention of asylum seekers on Manus Island as illegal, the Minister for Immigration says he has been on the phone all afternoon trying to find another poor pacific nation to step up to the plate.

Several hours ago, a five-man bench of the PNG Supreme Court ruled that the detention breached the right to personal liberty in the Pacific nation’s constitution and that both governments to immediately take steps to end the detention of asylum seekers in their country.

Speaking to The Advocate this afternoon, Peter Dutton MP says he is certain he’ll be able to find somewhere else to warehouse the world’s war-weary asylum seekers by the end of this week.

“Well Nauru are already pretty over it, so I’ve been ringing around for someone else to pick up the slack”

“I reckon we might get a start in Kiribati or one of those French shitholes”

“Maybe the Solomons. I dunno… Faaaark [fuck] I hope someone can help us out!”

However, the Papua New Guinea government has put out a warning to any other HIV-ravaged, Pacific gun crime capitals that might be enticed by Australia’s hollow promises of strengthened neighbourly ties.

“Downe do-it” said the prominent Papua New Guinean minister, Tyce Tripp,.

“Dey will just dump them here and pretend you downe exist,”

Malcolm Turnbull has been sought for comment, but staffers say that the Prime Minister is leaving this one to Dutton, and has all the confidence that the Minister For Immigration will be ‘able to sort’.

Dutton says both Fiji and Samoa were being very uncooperative early this afternoon.

“Fuckin’ high-horses. No doubt they’ll be calling non-stop next time they cop a cyclone… The least they can do is put up a few fences for us,”

Peter Dutton’s unorthodox approach to dealing with dispossessed victims of war crimes has made headlines recently, after the former Brisbane police officer declared earlier this year that he would not be blackmailed by human decency in his quest to detain and process Middle Eastern children on poor pacific islands.


  1. I used to have a white cat: her name was Kirrey. Now Kirrey was as deaf as a post. We were working on a station, and you know what it’s like: like not a lot to do. So, to amuse herself, Kirrey used to catch critters that wandered onto her territory. She did not kill them, just played with them although they would not have seen it as a game. I, said to her one day, “Kirrey, why are you giving the critters a bad time, why don’t you get something else to do, like collect stamps? She did not answer me: she was as deaf as a post.

    Now it seems to me that Kirrey and Dutton have a lot in common. Maybe he should get himself something else to do.


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