The Australian government has today unveiled the findings from a shiny new report about our nation’s defence force.

Speaking to media from Canberra on the eave of Anzac Day about the conveniently timed report, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese informed journalists that our defence force isn’t up to scrap in a modern age.

“We are not in a position to appropriately defend ourselves from global threats,” said Albanese today.

“And after speaking to professional war hawks whose livelihoods rely on military spending derived from global geopolitical tension, we’ve received recommendations on how to remedy that,” he continued.

“Basically, we need to give American and British arms manufacturers a trillion or so dollars over the next few years to ensure that we are safe,” said the Prime Minister.

“Submarines, planes, tanks, ships”

“You name it, we need to upgrade it.”

The Prime Minister then explained there is bi-partisan support for spending a decent chunk of our national funds on state of the art killing machines, after a concerted decade long campaign to drum up fear around an imminent Chinese invasion.

“It could happen any day now,” said the Prime Minister of a country where kids get a substandard education in an un-air-conditioned demountable.

“They safety of our citizens is paramount,” he continued.

“So that’s why we are going to spend all this money on weapons instead of making sure women’s and homelessness shelters are adequately funded.”

“It sounds much better, and it’s much easier to make people scared that Tomorrow When The War Began could happen any day now.”

Albanese refused to detail how much exactly would be spent on defence, saying his government needed to have another sit down with lobbyists funded by giant arms companies.

More to come.


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