Sports

Craig Bellamy Spotted Taking Notes At Screening Of I, Tonya.

LEROY PERCIVAL | Melbourne Relations | CONTACT Craig Bellamy has been witnessed by several movie goers over the weekend attending a screening of the new drama I, Tonya, with pen and pad in hand. The Melbourne Storm coach appears to be researching alternative options that may help in not having his party spoilt by the recently returned and still shit-hot Jonathan Thurston. His team managed to claim the NRL premiership last year...

Report: JT Is A Good Bloke In Real Life Too, Confirms Mate That Met Him In A Servo Once

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A mate that was lucky enough to meet Queensland rugby league great Johnathan Thurston while filling up his car in North Queensland has confirmed that everything you see on TV is true and that he's actually a really good bloke. The mate at the centre of this report, is Jordon (31) who isn't like a JT-worshipper or anything...

Essendon Bombers To Compete As ‘Footballers Of Essendon’ Following ASADA Doping Scandal

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The fallout from the ASADA doping scandal is continuing to decimate the AFL as Essendon Football Club faces further sanctions and punishment for their part in the controversy. This morning local time, Gillon McLachlan, the CEO of the Australian Football League, made the announcement that the Essendon Bomber will not be competing in this year's competition - however, the players...

Haha Is This Shit Still On?

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Recent reports by people changing channels aimlessly before dinnertime has found that the Winter Olympics is still, what the fuck? A whole week after all the punchlines and snowboarding has wrapped up, apparently there are still heats for like cross country skiing and weird ass events involving guns. Haha. A heap of Australians are still competing, at high levels,...

Nation’s Linen Shirts Already Hung Up And Ironed Ahead Of Super Rugby Kick Off This Weekend

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Alumni of the country's elite private schools are already prepared for the beginning of the Super Rugby competition this weekend, it has been confirmed. The international rugby competition, which is closely followed by Australia's elite financial and legal sectors, kicks off across Australia and New Zealand on Friday much to the delight of Australia’s upper and upper middle class. Across...

Melbourne Media Too Caught Up On Hannah Mouncey To Meet Quota On African Gang Stories

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the news that a transgender woman has been cleared to play in state and territory women's leagues in 2018, Melbourne's reactionary print media is unable to allocate enough attention to the second biggest social issue in Victoria, African gangs. The news that Hannah Mouncey will be allowed to play football at an amatuer level comes as the AFL...

Inner-City Academic Gasps As His Beloved Theatre Overtakes NRL For Sexual Misconduct

 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A prominent regular on the inner-Sydney and Melbourne art gallery circuit has been left rattled today, after learning that Australia's stage and theatre community has a much deeper and disturbing culture of sexual harassment and misconduct than all the football codes combined. 56-year-old Geoffrey Mclushlan was one of the first members of his book club to condemn the piggish...

“We Don’t Want Your Fucking App, Stop Bringing It Up” Nation Tells Channel Seven

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The remaining viewers of free-to-air Australian television have made it clear to Channel 7 that they are not interested in downloading their ad-riddled Winter Olympics app, in a statement delivered across the nation's households over the weekend. The app, which is being promoted in non-stop advertisements on the television broadcast of the 2018 PyeongChang Olympics, is probably very shit,...

4th-Grade Coach Gives Al Pacino-Esque Welcome Back Speech To Overweight Alcoholics

Jim Gillespie and his wife have Brennan separated for a while now. Ever since she packed up, the Head Coach and Director of Football at the Betoota Dolphins has dived headlong into his role. The ex first grader who played over 200 games for the mighty Dolphins over a 15 year period, says he knows full well what makes a ‘footy...

Office NFL Guy Stoked Corporate Signed Off On Him Wearing Patriots Jersey Until Lunch

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Craig Anderson (34)  reckons today is the best day of the year. Forget Christmas, “the Super Bowl is where it’s at dude,” claims Anderson. However, while the gung-ho accounts manager at a local Betootan asset property firm has been stomping around the office letting out a chorus of “Woooo’s” and “Let’s go baby,” he told The...

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