Local News

Local Dad Mercilessly Heckles Hungover Waiter During Family Breakfast

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Dad Ken Gillespie (59) is really enjoying giving it to the hungover waiter at a family breakfast this morning, it has been confirmed. While celebrating his daughter's 23rd birthday at a prominent inner-city cafe, Mr Gillespie was quick to notice that the young bloke serving them had a sickly Tasmania pallor and still smelt a little bit like...

Local soft boy needs two hands on the pliers to cut plain wire

17 July, 2016. 12:45 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact GRAPPLING HIS 10-INCH CRESCENTS like he's holding a cricket bat, a North Betoota sissy has embarrassed himself this morning by using both hands to cut up some plain wire. Stopping short of wearing gloves, Sam Earle (24) let out a quiet, audible moan as he finally heard the clink of wire hitting the...

Tortured High Schooler Not Even Sure What Triggers His Erections Anymore

12 July, 2016. 10:05 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Local teenager, Ed Harper can't stand up right now. For fear of being asked by his English teacher to help contribute to a English problem on the white board, the 15-year-old is currently sitting in complete silence while praying to whatever God will listen to his desperate pleas to be left alone until it goes soft. Ed...

Poor Old Evan Forced To Take Own Cousin To His Formal

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact THOUGH HE USUALLY does most of his self-loathing from the comfort of his own bedroom, local sad case Evan Bellmonty had a change of scenery over the weekend. His parents were growing uneasy with their son's growing detachment from society. The St Clare's College mid-winter Ball seemed like a great opportunity for young Evan to get out...

Two mates softly embrace after learning they’re tunnel buddies

8 July, 2016. 12:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact IN WHAT STARTED OFF AS just a casual catch-up drink at their local watering hole, two Betoota men soon discovered that they've both run a line through the same pleasant, but unstable woman. In 2010, Taylor Conway ran into Chloe Kennedy at an evening function at the Betoota beer pit behind the...

Local Man Responds To “How Ya Going?” With Disgusting Update On Haemorrhoid

7 July, 2016. 11:35 MERV HARRIS | Local News | Contact Colleagues of Rowen Giddens at Betoota Accountancy were left in stunned silence this morning after Mr Giddens revealed he is currently struggling with a massive haemorrhoid, during a conversation in the office about footy. The group of workmates had been discussing the fight that Betoota Dolphins stalwart and crotch-grab merchant Matt Southwell had started...

Local Blackfella Hasn’t Forgotten What Pauline Hanson Said About Him In 1996

6 July, 2016. 10:35 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Local Betoota Blackfella, Ian Fischer (28) says he still hasn't forgotten the things Pauline Hanson said him in the late nineties. "Yeah she's not too popular with our mob," he says while pouring Holbrooks BBQ sauce and Saxa salt over a bully beef stir fry in his corrugated iron roofed back block. "She made life pretty...

“Stop The Boats” Says Man With Four Empty Investment Properties

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local baby boomer, Berrick Daley (64) says that he votes for whichever major party is toughest on asylum seekers. "We can talk about gay marriage and climate change all we want... But everyone is forgetting the bigger picture. We don't have the infrastructure to house all the boat people that keep coming here for a free ride," says Mr Daley, who...

Baby Boomers Glad They Won’t Miss Anything When They Take Entire Planet With Them

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Baby Boomers, James and Mary Grant (both 65) say that their looming mortality is not a concern, because they aren't going to miss out on anything. "The way these kids carry on, there'll be nothing left by the time we kick it" says the career barbecue retailer who doesn't believe in climate change. "All this lot do is...

Waleed Aly hangs picture of monologue godfather John Oliver above bed

21 June, 2016. 14:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact RANTALISM IS THE FLAVOUR of the month in world journalism at the moment - and there's none more successful that British-born American television entertainer, John Oliver. The unique fashion in which the 39-year-old Brummie mashes comedy, journalism and yelling has taken the world by storm, inspiring a generation of mid-career television presenters...

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