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EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Looking at him now, you’d never have known local bloke Phillip Edwards had a long history of battling the black dog. He seems like a happy go lucky type of bloke, and, considering his profession, not exactly the type of person who’d speak up about his dark thoughts over a Breaka and pie. Especially given that his industry...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It has long been acknowledged that drinking at home allows for a more experimental and less costly inebriation where societal norms are brushed aside and NRL careers are marred forever. A pitfall of binging on home-styled beverages is the squeaky wheel effect of the non-alcoholic mixing ingredients including the tickled throat of orange juice mixed with goon as well...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Local Tinder creep Lindsey Simmons has been forced to resort to 19th century technology to perform his role as a habitual sender of dick pics to women who never asked for them.  Simmons’ troubles began when he accidentally left the phone on the roof of his car on Tuesday, before driving to work. Although he was able to drive...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Local Boomer Sue Morose has received attention for a unique skill; the ability to accurately predict the number of likes and shares her pointlessly melancholy facebook shitposts will generate. Sue’s posts, sourced from a complex network of similar attention-seekers, generally feature an object of pity; an injured child, a deformed animal, a homeless veteran, above a caption which summarises their situation...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As he snuggles deeper into the blankets, a clear-headed Adrian Walker feels pleased with his decision to forego drinks last night. The thirty-year-old had allegedly pinballed between staying in and heading out, going so far as to put on his best pair of dress shoes before hesitating at the door. It’s not like he doesn't like to have...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A young real estate agent has allegedly been shunned by the entire team at ‘Betoota  Heights Realtors’, for not adopting the appropriate dress code, it’s reported. Gianni Linettit-Gardiner was allegedly doing quite well with his real estate initiation, having bought a few rotating pairs of boat shoes, a couple of suits from Tarocash and an expensive watch. He’d...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT If Patrick Bohmer knew he’d end up working over the Christmas holiday break, he would have stayed in the office and at least gotten paid for it. The Brisbane local had reportedly taken a week off work to travel up to Betoota Heights, where he planned on catching up with the family. However, what originally was a much-needed...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Old habits are in need of Victorian-style assisted dying laws in Betoota Heights as only child Mark Bright (26) is still not letting any of his friends play as Yoshi. “Bags first controller,” stated the man who would inherit 100% of his parent’s estate. “Get ready to be creamed.” Having kept is childhood Nintendo 64 in good condition (reported to be...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact An aviation industry report has confirmed a suspicion held by many air travellers, by confirming that hot air balloons are once again the most impractical form of air transport. The title has proudly been held by the hot air balloon since the Wright brothers’ famous flight in 1903, right up to the arrival of Tiger Airways in...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Twins in the Old Town are in shock today after hearing their mother offer health advice that didn’t relate to potential dehydration. The Advocate can confirm the twins are in a stable condition and are likely to make a full recovery, if they rest and drink plenty of water. It’s believed Tom and Tilly McKinnon were sitting at their kitchen table when...