FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

Local Tinder creep Lindsey Simmons has been forced to resort to 19th century technology to perform his role as a habitual sender of dick pics to women who never asked for them. 

Simmons’ troubles began when he accidentally left the phone on the roof of his car on Tuesday, before driving to work. Although he was able to drive back to retrieve the phone, the screen was shattered, as was Lindsey himself. 

“I’m devo mate, can’t believe it” a clearly emotional Lindsey explained. “It still works a bit, like it still makes calls and stuff, but the screen is cracked and the camera is fucked. Now what am I supposed to do? Mail them a dick pic? It’s not the same. Plus no women will give me their address”. 

Instead, Simmons has been forced to call the uninterested women and describe his genitalia, a process he has described as ‘hard’, given his lack of imagination and limited vocabulary.   

“It takes ages” he said, scribbling the word “hard” on the whiteboard he uses for inspiration during his irritating conversing.

“I call them up and say, hey, look, I’m really sorry but my camera is broken so this unwanted dick pic is in audio format, and it’s really big and hard. Naturally they are interested and want to know more, so then I have to answer their questions like “Who is this?” and “Why don’t you put the phone down so you can get back to disappointing your parents you stupid waste of skin”.

“It used to be really quick but now it’s really long. Wait, that’s good material. Long. Better make a note of that one for later”


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