ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Investigators have been able to narrow down the Optus hacker’s whereabouts today after they asked for a pathetic $1m ransom that anyone on the Optus board could pay from their Everyday Saver account.

Speaking to the media this morning in Sydney, Detective Declan Taylor from the Australian Federal Police (AFP) said the team was buoyed by this news and will not rest until they unfuck this pooch for the Optus shareholders.

“If he asked for, like, somewhere in the ballpark of $20m then yeah, we probably would be looking in Australia but that fact is that a million Australian pesos won’t get you very far. You’d still have to live in some jazzed-up shithole near a capital city. A million in bitcoin wouldn’t get you very far, either. So we know this son of a bitch doesn’t live in Australia,”

“If you have a million dollars in the bank in this country, yeah, sure. You’re a cunt. So yeah, look. Uh, we reckon he’s probably not in New Zealand, either. That place is just a fancy hi-tech Ipswich with fancy mountains. Probably not in England, either. That place is just days away from slipping back into the developing world. The IMF needs to step in before its economy collapses. So cringe,”

“I’m not telling them what to do but a million bucks is a million bucks. The executive at Optus probably spends that on lunch each year. This hacker is probably Russian, so really I reckon we should be giving them political asylum. They sound like have their head screwed on. It shows a bit of panache. The entrepreneurial Australian spirit,”

“Anyway, we reckon we’re getting close.”

The Advocate reached out to Optus for comment but has yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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