ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister is mulling a tough decision today to either put a cap on the price of power and make it more difficult for generators to generate record profits or just let them continue to price gouge working families herein.

From the steam room at The Lodge, Anthony Albanese FaceTimed our reporter to explain that he has “inherited quite a mess” from the previous government and that fact is making his decision much harder.

“Oh, this bloody spicy cough will be the end of me,” he said.

“I’m trying to sweat the bastard out [coughs] Now, the energy price cap. Yeah look, uh, it’s not going to be easy to make this decision because we don’t want to put energy companies on the ropes. They might be destroying the planet but we can’t just pull the rug out from under them because if they go up the shit, then we’re stuck with no power. Can’t have that [coughs] can we?”

“No we can’t. Tell you what, we can’t have them trying to shove gas down our throats, too. I mean, it’s just like switching cigarette brands, isn’t it? It’s still fossil fuels. Anyway, whatever it is, they can’t be taking the piss with the cost of energy, which they are,” Mr Albanese then let out an earth-shattering cough and spat on the floor.

“But you know, putting working families to the sword is also pretty on the nose these days. You’ve got those domestic terrorists at the Reserve Bank. We’ve got this inflation hangover from Scotty From Being Completely Out Of His Depth. So yeah, putting a cap on the cost of energy will help one aspect of the household budget, but it’ll mean some of the richest people in the country might get ratfucked out of a bonus,” he said.

“Tough decision.”

More to come.


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