ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights retiree has spoken of the deep, restorative sleep he received last night after taking time out of his busy afternoon yesterday to criticise the performance and opinions of the Australian Mens Test Cricket team, Pat Cummins, who lead his side to a historic defeat in Brisbane over the weekend.

Laying on his side in his Ralph Lauren polo pyjama shirt, listening to the gentle, rhythmic honking of his CPAP machine, Alan Richfield explained to The Advocate today that he went on a “bit of a tear” in the wake of Australia’s loss to the West Indies at the Gabba last night – something the 72-year-old says is directly correlated to his comments on “social issues”.

“He should stick to playing cricket, like the Test captains that have come before him,” said the retired pool chemical importer.

“As recently as Steve Smith, a Test captain’s role is to simply win games of cricket. Not to share their opinions on social issues like Australia Day and climate change. I went on the Face Book last night and have made sure to argue that point. Many on the left were quick to mock and shame me for simply sharing my opinion. I asked why a Captain needs to say this, idiots on the internet tell me someone of their profile has an obligation to do it,”

“Steve Smith never shared his thoughts on gay marriage or Islamic State? Both large issues when he was captain!”

The Advocate reached out to Mr Smith’s management for comment and were informed that the former Test captain thinks gay marriage is “really OK” and Islamic State are “scary losers who got BTFO by lots of Spetz Natz guys on a mad killstreak”.

Ricky Ponting, Test captain from 2004 to 2011, wrote in his most recent memoir that he was unaware of what the Global Financial Crisis was until he watched The Big Short on Netflix in 2022.

“That’s how it should be,” continued Mr Richfield.

“Just cricket. Nothing else.”

More to come.


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