ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

ONE OF THE GREAT MYSTERIES of the 21st century has been solved by a team of London journalists this morning – the identity of world-renown guerilla vandal Banksy.

The investigative team will allege that Australian High Commissioner to the United Kingdom, Alexander Downer, is the artist.

Using a series of scientific algorithms, the journalists were able to pinpoint when each new Banksy artwork would appear, which ended up coinciding with Downer being in the area.

Downer has returned fire at the journalists, saying that it’s absurd to think a square like him could ever do something as illegal and altruistic as what Banksy does.

“Absolute pish-posh,” said Downer.

“Yes it might be a coincidence, but there’s no way anybody in their right mind could believe that I’m Banksy. Mr Brainwash maybe, but certainly not Banksy.”

Adding fuel to the fire, his former boss John Howard said that there’s every chance in the world that his long-serving foreign minister could be the street artist.

Howard observed Downer doodling in the margins of his diary – and they were often politically charged.

Janelle Howard’s tolerance for marijuana was much lower than her John’s.

“Once I saw Alex drawing a picture of Kim Beazley as DK from Mario Kart, except he’d just run over a banana. His hands were flailing above his head and he was going apeshit,” said Howard.

“We used to play lots of Mario Kart at Kirriblii House before 9/11. Then we had to take things a little bit more seriously. But yeah, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was Banksy.”

The famous pieces of street art began appearing in 1990, during Downer’s first official trip to the United Kingdom as an elected member of parliament.

Banksy’s first known large wall mural was The Mild Mild West painted in 1997 to cover advertising of a former solicitors’ office on Stokes Croft in Bristol – just months after the big South Australian became foreign minister.

“I’ve never even been to Bristol,” said Downer.

“Although I was in the UK at the time, that’s just a coincidence.”

More to come.


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