ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A NATIONAL CARRIER PIDGEON network (NCPN) is planning to give the Abbott government’s National Broadband Network a run for its money. Using a team of nearly a thousand homing birds, the NCPN says it will provide a more reliable and cheaper communications service which will be available to Australians much sooner than the proposed fibre-to-node plan.

“At the moment, we plan to use the birds to carry a 64GB USB flash drive between us and our clients,” said NCPN programme director Clark Bellern. “Once the bird arrives back from the client, we will pop the USB in the mail and send it on to wherever it needs to go.”

This bold and drastic new plan comes after continued delays and setbacks associated with the current Turnbull-endorsed scheme, which has come under fire from every direction. Since winning power two years ago, the government has repeatedly ignored the advice of experts and digital architects – choosing only to listen to their accountants.

Clark Bellern launched his pigeon network today in a series of bold and daring stunts, which he says proves that his network will be far superior to the NBN.

“One of our launch partners, Beetlefield Radiology, gave us the task of sending a series of medical images from Sydney to Perth today,” he said. “I’m pleased to say that Derek, one of our fastest pigeons, picked up the USB loaded with the files and arrived back at our processing centre just moments ago. The USB is now on its way to Perth via registered post,”

“It’ll be there on Friday… maybe Monday. I dunno.”

The pigeons receive job notifications via a flip phone. Homing pigeons can here the polyphonic ringtones from up to a kilometre away. PHOTO: Supplied.
The pigeons receive job notifications via a flip phone. Homing pigeons can hear the polyphonic ringtones from up to a kilometre away. PHOTO: Supplied.


The move toward homing pigeons comes at a time in Australian history where every day is a flashback Thursday. Just yesterday, the government breathed fresh air into its immigration policy by planning to implement a policy that was popular during the First World War – which incidentally was the golden age of the carrier pigeon.

However, the NCPN has been slapped with a legal challenge by the communications department, saying that the scheme doesn’t have the required licencing to begin operating as a communications entity. In response to the expected rise in pigeon air traffic, the department has entered into a de facto agreement with the defence force to shoot homing pigeons out of the skies.

“I can confirm that enforcement officers will be patrolling known pigeon routes,” said Captian Daniel Clock from Sydney’s Victoria Barracks. “If I or any of my team see a pigeon flying overhead with a USB tied to its feet, we will commence a surface-to-air engagement,”

The High Court challenge against the government is rumoured to have been bankrolled by commentating pigeon magnate Bill Lawry, who loves pigeons.


  1. Onya Clark for your fore-sighted move in trying to bring advanced communications to the entire Australian continent. I was somewhat skeptical of previous attempts, given the amount of string required and the likelihood of crossed “wires”, but this seems to obviate all those problems, as pigeons are expert in avoiding mid-air collisions. Not to mention the shortage of clean, re-usable tin cans which many people simply dump in recycling bins these days.

    Mate, you should get a gong for this and while you’re at it, tell that douchebag Turdbag to go fuck himself.

  2. Legal challenge? Typical nanny-state government, crushing the entrepreneurs in our technology industry. I don’t claim to understand the technology of pigeons – geeks seem to speak a different language to most folk – but my son tells me it’s the next big thing. Even Google is getting into it. I say chuck out this government. They’re ruining the future of Australia.

  3. As National Secretary for the Association Of Transport Avians, I must protest the unregulated use of our members for electronic communications transport. All agreements clearly stipulate the only media allowed is a piece of paper size B5 or smaller tied to the right leg, or maybe the left leg if the pigeon isn’t fussy. There has never been any mention of USB sticks. And what about weekend penalty rates? Has the provision of extra birdseed been factored in? And who is liable in the case of mis-deliveries? Who carries the can if a USB full of pornographic material is accidentally delivered to a Catholic girls school? The girls will probably already have seen it but the teachers will undoubtedly need counselling. All this needs more thought.


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