ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A real poon from our town’s Heights district has announced to anyone who’ll listen that he’s decided to go on a self-imposed exile from the drink for the foreseeable future.

Just how long that is, over-employed barrista Jay Jenkins doesn’t really know.

The 34-year-old full-time-live-at-home-son told The Advocate that he’s not exactly doing the alcoholic pause for health reasons, even though he ‘gave it a nudge’ over the Silly Season.

“I just feel like I’m not getting enough attention from those around me,” he said.

“So I told them all I’m not drinking for a while and bingo, I had people asking me why and if I’m OK. I just told them I was feeling anxious all the time and that drinking, is like, harming my mental health and that I just want to focus on starting my fourth university degree, this one I’m definitely going to finish,”

“So yeah, I’ve had friends checking in on me and my parents have gotten off my back. Well, Mum has. Dad told me I might be able to afford my own place now that I’m not pissing my money up against the wall. Like, I might not stay sober for a whole year and like be able to pay rent for a full year.”

When asked if he actually had any mental problems from getting half pissed a few times with his boys, Jay sucked his head back into his neck and shook his head.

“No, like, I don’t go out with ‘my boys’ and get black out drunk on a Thursday night. Like, I’m talking about like meeting up with friends and having a few bottles of wine over dinner and maybe using peer pressure to get someone to buy a bag [1g of fentanyl-laced cocaine] like we’ll all chip in to pay but like I don’t want to do the scary part like getting in the car and doing the transaction, like fuck that, I can’t get a criminal record, I want to work in New York next year or like maybe London and you can’t do that with a drug conviction,” he added.

“Like, that’s what I’m anxious about. Like, I don’t wake up and feel sad after drinking, I wake up and feel like fuck that was fun but nobody sought me out to have a chat about me and that makes me feel anxious.”

Our reporter decided that was enough.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here