ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Opposition leader Peter Dutton has expressed his disappointment in the wider public today after a chalk outline of where one-time Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce fell last week after allegedly succumbing to a cocktail of alcohol and prescription meds on a Canberra footpath.

“This is obviously the work of Greens and Labor staffers, they live in Canberra,” said Mr Dutton to the media this morning outside Parliament House.

“You wouldn’t find a Liberal or Nationals staffer out there, pulling these types of juvenile pranks. No, you’d find them at their desk. Working hard into the night,”

“They’d be at their desk, pulling themselves silly. Greens and Labor staffers, they’re out all night drinking and carrying on. Conspiring and planning idiotic stunts and doing anything but work,”

“A Liberal staffer’s job isn’t done until they’ve ejaculated on a coworker’s desk. On their keyboard, on their stapler. Some even lay the monitor down flat on the desk and ejaculate across the screen. I’ve heard strong anecdotal evidence of Liberal staffers opening drawers and cumming on the pens and personal effects,”

“They often videotape themselves doing it and throw it up on the Liberal staffer Slack. It’s not strange to find 30 or 40 videos on a Saturday morning of Liberal staffers masturbating at their desks the night before, often quite late when Labor and Greens staffers are out infighting at some dreadfully upmarket pub in Manuka or something,”

“It’s very telling.”

The Advocate reached out to the Office of the Shadow Veteran Affairs Minister but have yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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