11 October, 2016. 17:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
BEING A STUDENT IS HARD, especially when you need to shield yourself from your bleak future with cheap wine and petty sexual contact.
It’s also remarkably expensive.
That prompted Kelly Mosshart to invent a novel way of cutting down the costs of being a student – by vomiting into a Brita water filter jug when she feels queasy after an afternoon inhaling wine with friends.
“You know when I started, you could get a six pack of Moscato for $10 down at the Cobb&Co, now you’d be lucky to get two lots of rolling papers for that,” explained Mosshart.
“Mum was concerned with the hardness of the water here, so she got me one of those water purification jugs that Labrador-owning women like to buy. Long story short, I came home from a huge night absolutely blind, like blinder than a Chinaman looking into the sun blind. Before I threw myself into bed, I grabbed something I could vomit into just in case,”
“Upon retiring to bed, I couldn’t get to sleep because the whole room was spinning, you know? We’ve all been there. So I went heave-ho into the jug and let the darkness come over me.”
It wasn’t until the following morning when the 24-year-old journalism student made the discovery that ultimately reshaped her financial outlook for the rest of her time at the regional university.
Slowly coming to, hair still matted with the rum spat on her by the university soccer team, Kelly looked down to see the off-green congealed mass of cask Chardonnay and a falafel kebab in the bottom of her lidless Brita filter jug.
“I thought, ‘fuck it,’ and poured it back through the top to see what came out. Lo and behold, my chardonnay was back in the bottom of the jug. It still tastes the same, but I like to add a bit of lemon to make it easier on the throat.”
“Thank me later, students.”