Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has this week vowed to go a whole month off the sauce, after viewing a rather damning video taken of him on his mate’s close friends stories this morning. Feeling the taste of jaeger bombs ever present in his mouth and the telltale ‘furry teeth’, which suggested he’d been too fucked to brush his teeth last...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some news that has left many people scratching their heads, a French Quarter man as openly admitted he is completely incapable of handling the basic task of buying groceries, despite being the project manager that oversees a team of twenty staff, that are responsible for the creation and execution of commercial building developments. Ian Hudson was spotted...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLike many foolish people before him, local bloke Jerry Hutton had 100% faith that he would effortlessly nail a yoga class, seeing as he’s always considered himself to be a pretty fit person. Citing his intermittent CrossFit classes and the years he spent playing school boy footy as proof of his physical prowess, Jerry had thought absolutely nothing...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactThough the thousands of Melbournians who were lucky enough to catch the meteor last night might have been spending the last twelve hours wondering when their wishes will come true, a goth from Brunswick has unfortunately insured that none of that will happen. Belladonna Phoenix (formerly known as Jessica Campbell) tells The Advocate that she’d been curating Whimsigoth decor...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTLocal commuters are praying that everything will be OK as a group of teenagers enter their third hour of loudly playing classical music on a portable speaker. Since music has been available on phones, teenagers and people as smart as a teenager have taken up the practice of playing their music on the train at a level loud enough...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIf the upcoming referendum for the Indigenous Voice from the Heart has confirmed anything it is that Australia is a harmonious nation where respect for other people’s opinions comes from a self-aware foundation of one’s own experience, knowledge and understanding. Despite our nation clearly being a prime example of how discourse should proceed, Betoota’s most red-foreheaded man, Brian Iggott...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAustralian dads are finally giving meditation a red hot crack as popular sleep and meditation app, Calm, releases a 12 hour relaxation loop featuring the constant clicking of barbecue tongs. Like the rhythmic hits of metallic drumsticks that signal the intro to a symphony of overcooked meat and onions, 100% of Australian dads are known to give the BBQ...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTThe host of an allegedly fun Betoota Heights board game night has let his guests know they are in for a treat within strict limits. The proud owner of a house deposits worth of board games, David White (38) decided to invite some mates around to really get some bang for his buck. “Now you wouldn’t think so, but this...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACTWhen it comes to advertising a room on Flatmates, there are a series of code words and phrases to look out for, and being able to read between the lines can make a stark difference between whether or not you enjoy your stay. For example, though the words ‘clean’ and ‘tidy', may appear to have a similar at first, can...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | ContactA pair of emerging-affluent yuppie DINKs who moved into their first home last month have discovered that it’s impossible to escape from their problems. Despite years of dreaming about a utopian existence filled with picket fences and manicured lawns, Martha and Andrew Shoal have conceded to the Advocate a stark reality check: homeownership is no magical antidote to fix...