Meet Councillor Keith Carton, Betoota’s First Catholic Mayor

"It's a f**kin' honour"

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact

The Betoota Hotel, 1987 LEFT: Clancy Overell, Editor CENTRE: Errol Parker, Editor-at-large RIGHT: Imran Gashkori, Sports Journalist.
The Betoota Hotel, 1987 LEFT: Clancy Overell, Editor CENTRE: Errol Parker, Editor-at-large RIGHT: Imran Gashkori, Sports Journalist – The resident journalists in what has been revealed as “The fastest-growing city in the world”

In what can only be a true sign of reconciliation, in 2013 Betoota voted in the first Lord Mayor of Catholic heritage.
It was only recently that Councillor Keith only clarified his families ‘question marks’ when he was caught out ordering the fish special at the Betoota Hotel. However, the former roo-shooter has revealed that he has nothing but pride for his rock-chopping ancestors.

“Yeah, we are a proud bunch of cattle ticks,” he says.

My earliest memories are of my old man singing anti-English IRA ballads after a few rums,

“He used to check his old Kingswood for a car bomb every morning before work. He was a true mick,”

Since his election into the top job, Carton has been praised by residents of all backgrounds for his blatant disregard for Queensland Premier, Annastacia Palaszczuk’s pointless and city-centric new land-clearing laws.

“Not a chance are we going to be dictated by that old Polak,” he says.

“We are in Robbie Katter’s electorate on a state level and she owes him some favours,”

“But like anything in Queensland politics, if you don’t tell anyone what you are doing, and no one notices, then you can just keep doing it,”

Despite his spiritual disadvantage, a booming population and recent listing in The Economist Intelligence Unit (EIU) has proven Cr. Carton to be our town’s most successful mayor yet, with the news that Betoota, QLD is the “fastest-growing city in the world”

“To be included in the top ten would have been special enough” says Betoota Mayor, Councillor Keith Carton

“… but to be number one? It’s a f**king honour! We are up there with the likes of London and New York City – the only city in the Southern Hemisphere to feature… apart from Johannesburg”

Betoota Mayor, Keith Carton, poses for a photo in front of the controlled fires that will make way for the new outback desalination plant
Betoota Mayor, Keith Carton poses for a photo in front of the controlled fires that will make way for the new Outback desalination plant

The revelations, released in a EIU report late last month, have drawn much criticism from self-entitled and shamelessly outspoken culture commentators in places like Melbourne and Sydney.

One man, who’s complaints have been taken all the way to the top, is a bisexual Sydney-based culture-blogger by the name of Banjo Clementé.

“I just can’t believe it. We have all of these normal place like Melbs and Sydders, places that are just growing enormously by the day. Then the EIU does some stupid report and all of a sudden we are hearing about this gross country place called Betoota,”

Bisexual Sydney-based blogger, Banjo Clementé, says that it he is very disapointed that a place as "gross" as Betoota made the EIU's new list
Bisexual Sydney-based vegan food blogger, Banjo Clementé, says that it he is very disappointed that a place as “gross” as Betoota made the EIU’s new list

While many, including Mr Clementé, appear confused as to how Betoota even made this list (let alone made the top of this list) – It appears the results of the study are as accurate as they can get.

The EIU have since addressed the criticisms of their report, explaining to their international critics just how and why Betoota is the fastest-growing city in the world.

According to the EIU:

 

The association between having a cathedral and being called a city was established in the early 1540s when King Henry VIII founded dioceses – the practice continued well into the late 1800’s before the criteria changed to include emerging superpowers outside the British Commonwealth

Of the commonwealth settlements to be granted “City-Status” in those three hundred or so years, one of the first in Australia was a little town in the Queensland Channel Country by the name of Betoota.

Settlement: Men of all nations and faith come together to carve out a life in the Queensland Channel Country. The first sighted example of Multicultural Australia
Settlement: Men of all nations and faith come together to carve out a life in the Queensland Channel Country. The first sighted example of Multicultural Australia

 

Councillor Keith Carton explains:

“At some point, when my maternal Great-great-great-grandfather was settling here, he thought it might be a good idea to build a Diocesan Cathedral – it wasn’t a huge call – but it turned out to be a good call. Betoota became an internationally recognised city overnight.”

“I mean, the place already had a Synagogue for the Jewish settlers-  as well as a Mosque for the Afghan Cameleers. F**k they even had a Buddhist Joss House for the stupid Chinamen that thought they were going to find gold out here”

The Betoota Diocesan Cathedral, built in 1852, is the sole reason Betoota has "City-Status"
The Betoota Diocesan Cathedral, built in 1852, is the sole reason Betoota has “City-Status”

The holding of city status gives a settlement no special rights other than that of calling itself a “city”. Nonetheless, this appellation carries its own prestige and, consequently, competitions for the status are hard fought – it is something the people of Betoota are very happy to be able to claim.

As for the “fastest-growing” city? The mayor can explain that too.

“Well, as you lot at the newspaper would know. Betoota had it’s heyday in the late 1800’s. We were a bustling metropolis that served as an inland port between the Territory, New South Wales and Queensland. But things quietened down pretty quickly after federation… the town didn’t change much for about a hundred years” says Mr Carton.

“But then it all happened at once, Kevin was out roo-shooting a few months back and accidentally pulled up a bit of dirt with his 303. Guess what spat out of the ground? Oil. Black f**king Gold, mate”

“Since then we’ve put up at least 400 news houses, six new streets and a brand new KFC. This has all happened in 100 days. We’ve got a dozen or so coming from the city here each day. The place is going off!”

“So there it is, two months of rushed infrastructure and an outrageous boost in the population – one that doesn’t look like it’s going to end any time soon – that makes us the fastest growing CITY in the world,”

“Those whingers down south can get fucked”

A graph from the recent EIU report, showing a prediction of how Betoota will look in 2040
A graph from the recent EIU report, showing a prediction of how Betoota will look in 2040

4 Responses to "Meet Councillor Keith Carton, Betoota’s First Catholic Mayor"

  1. Mark   April 6, 2015 at 8:56 am

    You go good thing! Betoota does need something giant to identify with, the gum boot, prawn etc been done. What about a 100′ double plugga?

    Reply
  2. Terry   May 12, 2015 at 8:54 am

    This is fucking bullshit. Pooncarie is growing ten times faster than that shit-hole Betoota. We’ve just finished our second casino for Chinese tourists. Our big drawcard is how salty our creek is after 60 years of flood irrigation using bore water. John West is now building the largest salmon farm in the Southern hemisphere.

    Reply
  3. Ivan   August 19, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    Why can’t you bogans make an intelligent comment without the foul language.

    Reply

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