As the nation wakes up to another grim day of news, a polite request has been submitted for everyone to just fucking woo up a little bit.

This comes after it emerged that Russian tanks have moved into two Eastern provinces of Ukraine, with numerous public figures claiming that the invasion of Ukraine has begun.

Russia has formally recognised the independence of the Luhansk and Donetsk regions of Ukraine, a move which the international community says is a violation of international law – something that gets mentioned a lot when it suits the US and UK.

Now, as the world watches the Russian tanks move into another country in what looks very much like a full-blown act of war, it’s been requested that these boys and their toys just fucking pull their heads in a bit.

“Can we just take a second to have a think about this,” said a spokesperson for the nation at the South Betoota Bakery this morning.

“We’ve had a pretty fucked couple of years, maybe we don’t need to go and start World War 3?”

“I don’t know, obviously the Russians are being psychos, but surely we can all just sit down and work this thing out?”

“Start by promising not to sign Ukraine up to the Western Military alliance NATO which Russia is clearly not happy about.”

“Everyone just needs to chill out a little bit.”

“Get some water into em, maybe go for a walk around the block.”

“Just take a breath”

“I’m not that keen on looking up at the Ukrainian clouds as I take my last breaths in a few months’ time.”

The Russian, British and American governments are yet to respond to the request.

More to come.


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