ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Australians around the country are reportedly complaining of a wet foot smell this morning, leaving the nation’s peak meteorological body to explain why.
The Bureau of Meteorology released a media alert this morning to reassure people that the smell is a normal part of the drying process for Sydney, which received over a hundred millimeters of rain since Friday.
“Think about it,” said BoM media officer Damien Cutler.
“Sydney is the largest open-air sewer in Australia. Populated by a rat-like person that crawls through shit – and the shit of other rat-like Sydneysiders – just to service a $1m mortgage on some Hotondo shitbox in a new development along Richmond Road. What a life these people lead,”
“So when you have all that shit and all that grime get wet, it’s going to pong. Unfortunately, Sydney is returning to seasonably warm temperatures this week so we here at the BoM can only expect the smell to get worse. It’s not just the display home enjoyers that will suffer. The water out the front of Malcolm’s waterfront mansion would be on par with the Ganges going through the throes of drought. It would be worse out the front of Albo’s taxpayer-funded waterfront mansion. Christ alive, you’d be having an aide blow Vic’s Vapour Rub up your nose with a McDonald’s straw if you were the Prime Minister this morning.”
Mr. Cutler made a comparison to other major cities when they experience large amounts of rainfall and why it’s only Sydney that makes ordinary people want to glue their noses shut.
“Brisbane is designed to get wet. All those years ago, those morons said, ‘Let’s build a city on a tidal river that suffers an extreme flooding event once a decade’ and then have the hide to look around for Commonwealth assistance like the shocked clown game at the Easter Show when half the city goes under,” he continued.
“Melbourne just smells like the liquid you sheepishly shoot out your anus after a lazy Sunday morning enema with the boys. Adelaide, who cares. Perth smells like that chair Troy Buswell sniffed. Darwin is always wet, nobody knows what it smells like dry. Sydney is by far the worst.”
More to come.
