28 December, 2015. 15:35
IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports | Contact
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS released a report today detailing what would happen to the internet if Jarryd Hayne were to score a touchdown. Judging by the current spikes in Australian web traffic whenever the 27-year-old so much as touches the ball, experts are confident that the nation would implode in on itself if he actually put points on the board.
While the report makes special considerations for the eastern states, Western and Southern Australians have hit back at the doomsday prediction, saying that they care more about the domestic Bangladeshi soccer competition than they do about rugby league or Jarryd Hayne.
Speaking today from his holiday retreat in Margaret River, WA premier Colin Barnett said if The Advocate called him one more time to comment on rugby league or gridiron, he’ll take us to court.
“Why do you keep calling me? Next time, you’ll be getting a thick letter in the mail. I’m not joking this time, Gashkori,” said Barnett. “I think I speak for pretty much everyone in this country with a brain when I say that I don’t really care that much about what Jarryd Hayne does, good luck to him but fuck me, please stop asking me to comment on his progress as an athlete. Christ.”
Contrary to the opinion held by the West Australian leader, sports commentators and analysts from Queensland and New South Wales have echoed the findings of the report, saying that people should start prepping for when Hayne scores a touchdown, because total unbridled anarchy would soon follow and the Australian people would be forced to adapt in the “brave new post-touchdown world”.
The report specifically detailed that should Hayne score successfully on a punt return, it would have “all the advantages of Christianity and alcohol with none of their defects” on the Australian people.
Veteran rugby league commentator and personality Paul Vautin agreed with the reports findings.
“It’s great to see him back in the playing squad,” said the portly immortal. “They’ve even come up with their own war cry for him.
‘Hug me till he scores, honey;
Kiss me till I can’t frown;
Catch me, honey, snuggly bunny;
Love’s as good as a Jarry Hayne touchdown.‘