A chilling silence has set in across Queensland this Monday, as the people of Australia’s most unrefined state lick their wounds following a disastrous weekend of sport.

Usually content to do their own thing, providing they have sporting superiority to wave in the face of the Southerners, it appears that Queenslanders might now have to make things difficult for the rest of the nation.

The comes after four teams failed to win a single premiership during the 2023 grand finals weekend. The Brisbane Lions, Brisbane Broncos, the Gold Coast Titans women’s team and the Brisbane Tigers were unable to secure a single win across in their respective AFL, NRL, NRL State and NRLW grand final matches.

While the NRL and AFL sides were far from disgraced in their nail-biting finishes, the fact that Queensland no longer has bragging rights over the rest of the country is of serious concern to the political and media classes.

“Yes, we are monitoring the situation by the minute” says Prime Minister Anthony Albanese.

“The Queensland mourning process will be different to the last minute Collingwood grand final loss in 2018, or the Canberra Raiders last minute grand final loss in 2019”

As Albanese points out, there inherrent Queensland urge to cause as much political and economic upset as possible to the rest of the nation is most likely activated when Queensland does not have any trophies to wave in the their faces.

“We know that inner-city Brisbane’s decision to elect three Greens MPs was directly related to the Lions being humiliated in the 2022 AFL preliminaries” said the PM.

“We also know that Queensland’s decision to vote directly the opposite to the rest of the nation’s Labor-swinging patterns was also caused by the Broncos not even making the final eight, and the Cowboys missing a Grand Final”

“It would’ve been much worse if they didn’t have an Origin series win to find solace in”

As Albanese points out, his entire cabinet is quietly terrified of what Queensland has in store for the last few months of 2023.

“They might decided to not turn up to work for a month and fuck our interest rates”

“Or they might decide to start panic-buying sunscreen and beach umbrellas so that we have to be sunburnt all of Christmas because they’ve caused a shortage”

However, in the immediate future Albanese says he has no idea how the Voice To Parliament Referendum is going to play out in Queensland.

“They might nuke [the referendum] to spite me, and the rest of Sydney”

“But then again they might vote YES because the entire Southern media news cycle is telling them to vote no”

“It’s hard to predict what they’ll do. And that’s what scares the shit out of me”

“I pray to God the Brisbane Roar wins the A-League final this weekend.”


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