RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

The Greater Diamantina Rivers Shire Council has today changed the way Australians think, feel and talk about their local council, after promising to do something and then going and doing it.

Only 7 business days after promising to fill-in the newly acquired potholes along flood-ravaged Old Cartons Hwy, confused ratepayers found themselves driving along kilometres of brand new, pothole-free and delectably smooth bitumen.

This has caused ratepayers across the Shire to seemingly lose the power of speech. Tumbleweeds have also been seen bumbling down High Street now that human social interaction has come to a standstill, given there’s nothing to complain about. 

Even the community FB page has gone silent, with the last expletive-laden tirade about how Council should go fuck itself now more than 1 week old. 

So too, perpetually disgruntled ratepayer, Terry Kimber (73) – a man known to Council for his daily verbal assaults on staff – barely remembers how to live.

“…Council are…Council have…Council is….g-g-good,” he choked. 

“I’m not sure what to do now,” confessed another disorientated ratepayer. A man who, only the week before, physically strangled a work experience kid in at Council’s customer service desk for letting trucks drive down Tarneit Hwy, a road located the next shire over.

To address the growing community concern around Council’s new found follow through, Council CEO Merryn Anderson stole herself away from her intense duties as logistical head of Diamantina’s emergency flood management response to provide comment. 

“We promised to fix the potholes and we’ve done that. So can ratepayers just please shut up and piss off while we use the few resources Council has to help people affected by floods?!”

While Council may have fixed the potholes and cared for flood victims, not everyone is happy. Mistaking our reporter for Council staff, one elderly ratepayer pushed our man up against a shop front window, and while aggressively pointing their index finger into our reporter’s thorax, grunted “my rates pay your wages so fucking write this down. I’m not mowing my nature strip anymore, Council can fucking do that.”

More to come.


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