ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Nationals have had their 20L drum of Bundaberg Rum removed from the partyroom’s breakfast bar this morning, leaving many of our country members decrying the relentless advances of wokeness inside Parliament House.

For generations, the Nationals have enjoyed having large plastic drum of Bundaberg Rum suspended upside from the ceiling just above their complimentary breakfast station. Attached to the end of it was a drench gun that accurately dispensed 60mL of rum with each squeeze.

It seemingly became tradition inside the Nationals partyroom to start the day with a hearty breakfast and a good measure of rum. Enough to take last night’s tremors away and provide the mental clarity needed to perform at a high level.

Nationals leader David Littleproud has told The Advocate today that unfortunately, the party’s executive council has bowed to public pressure to make sure members and senators aren’t legally intoxicated while executing public duties.

“Aw look,” he said with his boyish Chinchilla grin.

“We’re not getting pissed in here before work. You know, if you have a double measure of Bundy every morning, you know, it builds up a tolerance. The only reason why this has come to the attention of the public is because unfortunately for Barnaby Joyce, he mixed his grog with his prescription cannabis which lead him to make an absolute cunt of himself, absolutely extinguishing any leadership ambition or even prospects he had. He’s not even in the conversation anymore,”

“But for the executive to just come in and take our rum, I think that’s a step too far. It’s pretty woke [laughs again with trademark boyish Chinchilla grin] Bit like you mob, tucking your knees under Tony Windsor’s dinner table whenever you’re passing through Werris Creek [laughs again with trademark boyish Chinchilla grin] Nah, you’re all right.”

Nationals Federal President Kay Hull AO was quick to point out to our reporter that while Bundaberg Rum has been removed from the breakfast bar, a number of other alcoholic drinks have not been.

“Our members can still enjoy a refreshing middy of Jacob’s Creek Classic Chardonnay before 9am or any beer they want. After lunch, Members can enjoy a pint of white wine with a meal or a unlimited amount of red wine from Mudgee or an equivalent Tier 3 wine region,” she said.

“As usual, only women are allowed to drink vodka, gin, tequila. Only women with children can drink in the morning.”

More to come.


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