ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights child has developed an intolerance to popular food building-block, gluten, this afternoon just moments after he stepped off his bed-wetting cousin’s safety trampoline.

For 5-year-old Danny Taylor, his days of eating shit food are now over and his parents say they’ll have to start grocery shopping in Betoota Grove, where gluten was outlawed by local council in 2013.

“It’s such a shame,” said his mother, Bucket Beug-Taylor.

“He loved eating pizza. Now we have to get the smelly gluten-free bases that taste like a wet tea bag. His father, Jereignium, who also moonlights as my husband, even put his fist through the wall. Danny gets his love of gluten from his father, which is why I think he blames himself for this,”

“We avoided getting Danny one of those three-wheeled scooters that all those rich pussies ride in Betoota Grove. We took so many precautions to make sure he wouldn’t become gluten intolerant.”

A spokesman from Betoota Heights Fire And Ambulance said that the offending safety trampoline will be destroyed – and the owners of it fined and lashed with a good length of dog chain until they start seeing dead relatives.

More to come.


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