LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Local family yardstick Dillain Crooper (34) has made an adjustment to his holiday plans following a leak in his incoming Christmas presents.
In his passive-aggressive Christian family, Crooper is somewhat of a pariah as he is an atheist who prefers assertive aggression.
After finally being filled in on Christmas plans that were decided by actual adults months ago, Crooper hatched a plan to make this Christmas a Carrie-esque spectacle of doom to remember.
“Aunty Helen is going to ask if I’m doing music or a proper job, so I’ll ask her if uncle Ian is really doing FIFO work for a fifth consecutive Christmas or if he’s left her like his Facebook says he has,” stated Crooper, unironically rubbing his hands.
“I have a picture of his new partner on my phone, ready to go.”
Yet just a few hours later, Crooper abandoned his plans of trying to foster a Greens party worth of infighting at Christmas when his nan called to ask him for his chest measurements.
“I know it’s not the weather for it, but I’m getting on, I don’t know how many more jumpers I can knit,” stated Crooper’s nan, who is currently on her ninth consecutive ‘last Christmas’.
“I know your favourite colour is red silly duffer, you don’t have to tell me, your old nan knows her best boy’s favourite colour!”
Knowing he would soon be the recipient of a handknitted jumper, made with a little extra love, Cropper decided this Christmas would be a chill one, even if his family curses his vaping and asks about his dating life.
“You know what? Maybe we’re all just doing our best.”