ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Timothy Camry and Marcia Blasket have been hearing that a lot in recent weeks.
Though they’ve been exclusive for nearly three years now, they’re both still young enough to be arrested for enjoying a glass of chilled, wooded Chardonnay on a hot Californian afternoon.
Young enough to prompt the question: “Why are you two getting married?”
The 19-year-olds wanted to make it clear to The Advocate that there’s no Jesus in their decision to get married next month – they just like the idea of entering into a lifelong legal contract with somebody they can stand to be around for longer than 5 minutes.
“Were not Christians,” said Marcia.
“Yeah, a lot of people expect us to be Christians. Believe me when I say we’re far from Christians,” added Tim.
“If Jesus was a fly on the wall of our bedroom, he’d get back in the tomb and ask his disciples to roll the boulder back over the door. We’re the Burke and Wills of sexual exploration,” she said.
But that fact hasn’t satisfied the leafy enclave of Betoota Grove’s lust for gossip.
Late last year, a young Christian couple from Betoota Heights, just a few months younger than Tim and Marcia, got married so Jesus wouldn’t be crushed when he found out they’re been doing the horizontal Riverdance out of wedlock.
However, things have since gone pare-shaped.
The couple, who asked to remain anonymous as they fear persecution from the church, say they discovered that while they enjoyed each other’s company, they weren’t wholly compatible.
“She’s already left,” said the young churchgoer.
“And she took half my savings. They were my savings, too. I wanted to buy a new Telecaster for the band I’m in. She also got the PT Cruiser, I loved that car. I thanked God for it every day,”
“The judge basically laughed at me and got the bailiff to hold me upside down and shake the change out of my pockets. I’d warn anybody considering getting married before they’re 30 to really look at themselves in the mirror and ask if this is what they really want.”