ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Local street fundraising contractors, often referred to as ‘charity muggers,’ revealed today that they are now resorting to actual mugging to meet the unrealistic quotas set by their parent organizations.

A frequent sight on the high streets of our cosmopolitan inland port city, charity muggers are known for their relentless efforts to attract the attention of passing shoppers, workers, and innocent members of the public. Their shameless quest to separate people from their hard-earned cash has become even more aggressive in these tough economic times.

“People don’t have much money left to give away to help run a giant multinational charity and, well, me,” said Cormac O’Connor, a local charity mugger.

“I’ve got quotas. If I don’t meet them, it comes out of my commission. So I’ve had to resort to getting people to sign on through intimidation. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s either me or them.”

O’Connor collects for the local charity ‘Feed The Homeless To Other Homeless,’ which provides a controversial service aimed at helping people in need while reducing the number of homeless individuals on the streets.

The charity’s approach involves finding homeless people and turning them into a crude stew, which is then given to other homeless people as food. “It’s a renewable and regenerative way to solve a problem with a problem,” says CEO Tim Watson, who earns a $400,000 salary with the not-for-profit. Watson declined to be interviewed for this story.

O’Connor detailed a recent interaction with a local real estate agent who was enjoying a social media scroll and a cigarette outside his office on Jacoby Street in Betoota Heights.

“He said he wasn’t interested and went back to his phone,” O’Connor recounted. “So if you remember, about two years ago, an armored car got held up in the French Quarter, and the guards had their guns stolen? Well, I have one of them. It’s pretty dirty; I think it’s been used in a few drive-bys. But anyway, I got it cheap.”

“I said to this bloke, ‘That’s a shame,’ and I took the Glock out of my pocket, put it against his belly button, and said, ‘How about you get your credit card out, fatso, and read me the number.’ He freaked out. To my chagrin, I had to pistol-whip him quite hard, and he fell to the ground. He threw me his wallet, and I ran away. I took his phone too and threw it in the creek so he couldn’t lock his cards. I think I signed up a new account with every card. It is what it is.”

“The cost of living crisis affects us all in different ways.”

More to come.


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