A pair of Betoota parents have thwarted the practice of analogue identity theft by keeping their children’s birth certificates in their safe. 

Mel and Karmel Brown of Betoota Heights love living in their serene and friendly neighbourhood but have simply watched too many crime shows to not own their own safe.

Aside from their adult children’s birth certificates, the safe contains jewellery that is too expensive for Karmel to actually want to wear as well as a vintage aviation magazine that Mel popped in so he could feel like he was using the safe too. 

Karmel states they have gone all out with their safe security which is cunningly hidden in their bedroom built-in where no one would ever think to look.

“I tell the kids all the time, don’t forget that your birth certificates are being well looked after in the safe,” stated Karmel in a rare behind the scenes interview.

“And the code is not our anniversary, that would only stop Mel from opening the safe because he never seems to remember the bloody thing.”

Issued by the government, birth certificates are a paper copy of your existence often required for official forms and probably rental applications in a few months time.

According to Karmel’s son Beau, his parents take the security of his birth certificate very seriously as an old timey identity thief could slink through their window at any moment, locate the birth certificate, ditch his black & white striped skivvy and eye mask to assume Beau’s identity like the talented Mr Ripley. 

“Why is it even in there anyway mum?” asked Beau, who is only allowed a photocopy of his birth certificate that he must send a photo to his mum to prove it has been shredded immediately after use. 

“Because my Beau, who wouldn’t want to steal your beautiful little identity, my lovely boy?”


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