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In a move to quell the “irrational” fears of environmentalists, scientists and the tourism industry – both Queensland Labor and the Federal Government have teamed up to rescue and relocate some of the 20% remaining sealife in the Great Barrier Reef.
Following countless studies surrounding the bleaching of two-thirds of the corals in the northern part of the Great Barrier Reef, which have died in the reef’s worst-ever bleaching event, QLD Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk has today announced that it was impossible to see this coming.
“We just had so much going on – we could have never known. Between trying to legislate farmers against cutting down gum trees in the back of Birdsville – and trying to appeal to people who are thinking of voting for One Nation…”
“By the time we decided to pay some attention to the reef, it has already been so badly hurt by our industrial projects in the North. Lucky we were able to relocate it”
Palaszczuk has declared that the handling of the well-documented and well-warned catastrophic environmental disaster of coral bleaching has been “better than expected – or even required” from a transient pension-chasing collection of public servants.
“What we’ve done is relocate some of the healthy coral and recreated an intensive ecosystem to help keep both the flora and fauna of the Great Barrier Reef alive until we have finished with the coal” she said, before blaming farmers in Western Queensland for the national embarrassment caused by coal-dust and rising temperatures.
“We just need this sugar hit from Adani and then I promise we’ll go back to trying to sort out the environmental stuff”
Federal Member for Dawson, George Christensen MP has today unveiled the new storage facility for the surviving coral rescued from Great Barrier Reef, The South Mackay Leagues Club’s VIP pokie machine room.
“This will be great for tourism” he said while deciding between the parma or surf ‘n’ turf in the 80-year-old rugby league club’s bistro.
“This way our residents and visitors can have a slap while getting a good look at the remnants 20,000-year-old old natural wonder at the same time”
Christensen says he’s stoked to be able to do this for his town – even if he did have to admit that the bleaching was a real thing.
“It would be a lot easier if Muslims were responsible for this” he said.
“I didn’t believe in the bleaching for a long while – and by the time I allowed the scientists to convince me – I was able to tell myself it was too late”
“I mean, who knows if it actually is too late, but I can tell you one thing. The sugarcane farmers will not be required to change one aspect of how they deal with run-off”
“The death of couple clown fish 40 kilometres away should have nothing to do with how my constituents farm sugar – or better yet how my constituents dig up and export coal”
“It’s like, we get it… Finding Nemo was a good movie. But Finding Coal is a better one”
This comes just six months after Tourism Queensland and Tourism Australia have been told by the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) that not changing the name of the landmark would constitute false advertising.
The newly proposed name, which has been put forward by both state and federal members in that part of the world, is “The Adequate Barrier Reef”.
When asked for comment, the Prime Minister’s office stated that anyone who wants to put that much of a national focus on environmentalism has mental health problems – and it’s probably not as bad as the scientists think – and at least they stopped the boats.