Sports

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Despite being only 15 minutes into a local footy game, a drunken punter is letting the referee know that that oppositions number 2 has been a non-stop pest, and will continue to be unless his poor discipline is recognised. “Fuck me dead sir, he has been doing it allllll dayyyyyyyyyy!” he yells from the sidelines. Local games between the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Caucasian footy player Toby Rowntree has decided to take a giant leap of faith this afternoon. Sitting shirtless in the setting sun, on the side of the footy field, Toby was finally comfortable enough to call one of his Polynesian teammates “uce.” With a lukewarm can of bitter in one hand, and a pair of sunnies shading his precious...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local footy referee, Jock Smith (35) has somehow managed to adjudicate an entire reserve grade rugby league match using painted on eyes. The Bedourie-based insolvency agent was criticized by supporters from both clubs when his lack of real eyesight became apparent - with hostility arising from a shocking error that saw him allowing a 6th tackle try in...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The NRL have today announced that they have enlisted the help of Hollywood blockbuster director, Baz Luhrmann, to help with commentator Phil 'Gus' Gould's pre-State Of Origin monologue. Known colloquially as the 'Gus-Up' - the pre-kick off rant has seen the husky former player and coach gradually earn respect from both sides of the Tweed - with his euphoric...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The buzz phrase down at the Eastern Suburbs Dolphins this year is simple - One Club, One Goal. The hope being that with its repetition at every training session and game day and plastering it across social media, all players at the club will “pull their weight around the place.” However, first grader Josh Scott has no intention whatsoever...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Another weekend and another lot of drubbings in Super Rugby for the Australian teams. The head of Australian Rugby Bill Pulver has today admitted that after severe pressure being applied by the International Rugby Board, it’s finally time to cut the losses, and merge all five Aussie super rugby teams into one. Pulver and the Australian Rugby Union announced...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Independent doctors hired by the National Rugby League have today urged all players to not bother with post-match interviews if they are feeling 'literally gutted'. A sharp increase in players, particularly Newcastle Knights and Manly Sea Eagles players, feeling 'literally gutted' after football matches has resulted in direct action from NRL CEO Todd Greenberg. This comes after the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Toowoomba local Daniel Black will lie awake for months, possibly years to come wondering if he missed his Alan Bond moment. The reserve grade hooker for Toowoomba Brothers picked a perfect round in his work tipping comp, but forgot to put a multi on the game. “Fuuuckkkk, I honestly feel sick. I’ve got this knawing pain in my stomach,”...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The NRL has today issued clubs with a notice that dictates they must change their nonchalant attitudes towards footballers receiving head trauma which results in their brains being so distressed that they turn off. Early last season, the Gold Coast, St George Illawarra and Newcastle faced fines totalling $350,000 after being issued with breach notices for failing to follow...

13 March, 2017. 14:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Rugby Union's chief governing body in the southern hemisphere has put a number of underperforming clubs on notice this afternoon, as the look to 'trim the fat' and make the once-popular code 'great again'. SANZAAR announced this afternoon that the Western Force and Melbourne Rebels need to lift their game -...