Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn news that has left the nation baffled, the labour government have announced they’ll be adding specialised cosmetic surgery for drivers of Ford Rangers, Dodge Rams and Teslas, despite still not broadening Medicare services to cover dental. Speaking to The Advocate, Lou Coulter, the general manager of Medicare, says the service will soon be evolving into something similar to...

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTAmidst the chaos of seating arrangements, floral selections, and menu tastings local groom-to-be, Darren Smith, confidently insiststhat wedding planning has been a walk in the park. Friends and family, witnessing Darren's calm demeanour amid the wedding frenzy, suspect he's mastered the art of denial or hasn’t lifted a single finger throughout the entire wedding process. Sure, his fiancée Emily...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTPop sensation P!NK has announced a new Australian tour strategically timed to capitalize on the flourishing industry of messy breakups and brand new independent "yummy mummys", since her last down-under visit. Known for her anthems of empowerment, resilience, and feeling like a rock star,  P!NK has identified a lucrative market opportunity in the ever-expanding realm of turbulent divorces and...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn a plot twist that no one saw coming, engineers have reportedly surged ahead of tradies in the competition of who can get the most cooked at the work Christmas party. For decades, tradies held the uncontested crown for the loosest chrissy parties in Australia, with feats of endurance that could rival the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. However,...

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTSelf-proclaimed people pleaser, Sarah Jenkins, has been caught in a linguistic conundrum. Her frequent usage of the phrase "No stress" holds the opposite meaning, when in-fact she is severely fucking stressed. To her concerned friends, Sarah's seemingly innocuous words carry a weighty, coded distress signal. "It's like a silent plea for help," one friend remarked. "The contradiction is...

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACTConcern has arisen in the office as speculation mounts regarding the frequent disappearances of young intern, Jessica Vanders. Colleagues have observed her on-edge behaviour, as she continues to make a beeline to the toilet every 30 minutes, with what many believe to be a fruity-scented vape in hand. "Either she's got a bladder the size of a walnut, a...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has thoughtfully helped to prepare the family home for guests this week, by spending roughly two hours painstakingly cleaning and rearranging an area that no one will see. Hank Paulson, 45, was reportedly rewatching Face Off when his wife had implored him to help out with the clean up, which he’d assured he would get to...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA new feature of Spotify Wrapped has today cruelly reminded a local woman about her failed relationship, by offering some brightly packaged snapshots of her darkest months. Excitedly taking to her Spotify after seeing news that Wrapped 2023 had been released, Emma Burman, 26, was looking forward to seeing information she already knew when she found herself experiencing the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact An Irishman who recently arrived in our cosmopolitan desert community has been left scratching his head as to why men dressed head-to-toe in orange are up on the roof of a local house. In addition to that, Nollaig Ó Meadhra told The Advocate he saw them cutting up fallen trees and helping themselves to the...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLetting out a small pout as her phone flickers to black after three hours of mindless Tik Tok scrolling, Clara Symes lets out a long, exaggerated sigh to signal to her boyfriend that it’s time to pay her attention. But being equally engrossed in flicking through his Tik Tok page, which he did so at rapid speed and at...