Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Stay at home son, Luke Darcy (22) has arrived home from an obscure hinterland day trip where everybody who distantly knows the young degenerate can confirm he was definitely there to pick magic mushrooms. Parents of the guest room clogging son claim Darcy left home uncharacteristically early, departing in his silver ‘99 Hyundai Excel at approximately 6:45 am and...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The brunch community is in crisis after a table of white dinners were banned from Saturday morning brunch at a French Quarter cafe for discussing a topic that was not Kanye West. Witnesses claim the group of six Caucasians took their table at Stone & Stone cafe at approximately 11:30 am and were hardly two bites into their corn...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The drug enforcement squad at the Betoota Heights Police Command has fired a salvo over the bow of festival goers this summer by announcing a number of new measures aimed at deterring fun. Detective Inspector David Rutledge of Queensland Police said new fun detection dogs will be rolled out alongside their drug-sniffing canine brothers and sisters this year in an...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "I mean, there's just no way I could condone what he's done," he said. "He took money for an interview as a sitting Member of Parliament for Christ's sake! The whole thing smacks of democratic failure. Did I watch it? God no! I tuned into the new David Attenborough documentary on Tasmania! It was amazing," "Especially that shit with the glow...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Clip-clopping his way down the hill from the French Quarter Busway to the Financial District, one bleary-eyed city worker's boots speak volumes for what he got up to over the weekend. Speaking to The Advocate in the designated smoking area of the building his firm and our newspaper share, Doug Leary told our reporter that...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Health & Wellness | CONTACT A particularly shredded, tanned and probably arrogant 6”3 man has today walked into Betoota’s popular weight training centre, the Lead Shed, open-mouth-chewing chewing gum and seemingly forgetting to wear a shirt. While this combination usually garners a lot of welcome attention for Jackson Harris, today in the Lead Shed, nobody could care less. In an attempt to...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The jelly-armed son of a local sporting great has today reconsidered moving the Brazil and changing his name. Braden Johannes (22) is not only unlucky enough to have the same name as his dad, but he's also had spend his life in the shadow of 6 seasons of champagne football in the early 90s. "Braden, you're Braden's boy, aren't ya?"...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "There will be some weekend work," she said. "Plus late nights from time to time. Early mornings as well, something I hope you understand. This isn't a lifestyle blog that celebrates foodie culture, Australian music or the internet, this is the Diamantina Evening Tribune." Gregor Townsend pursed his lips and nodded. "I understand," he said smiling. "So what does a normal working...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia's peak scientific body has lashed out at the powerful propane lighter lobby today over their continued silence regarding the origins of a certain type of lighter. The CSIRO apologised profusely to the Australian public today in a Canberra press conference for wasting their time and money on such a fruitless endeavour. "Two years and AUD$60m later, we still don't know...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A seemingly competent and level-headed subbie has today opted for what looks like the most uncomfortable stance during his smoko break. While still joining the other blokes for lunch, Mike (or maybe Mark) has politely refused a spare milk crate, and opted to squat. "Mate, you can even cut off a bit of the insulation over there if you don't...