Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former attorney-general Christian Porter has today claimed victory over the estimated 900,000 wild emus living in Western Australia This comes as a surprise to his voters in the WA wheatbelt, considering the fact that the Great Emu War is widely recognised as Australia's first humiliating military loss, and one that the state's agricultural sector has never been able to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In a move for a few history books, an elderly version of former Attorney-General Christian Porter has time travelled from the year 2058 to sue current 2021 Christian Porter for defamation. This shocking twist comes just days after current Mr Porter dropped his defamation case against the ABC, because he's innocent of any crimes - so innocent that he...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Former attorney-general Christian Porter has today claimed victory in a bar fight Ellenbrook last night. This comes as a surprise to everyone else who was in the pub, considering the melee only ended when Christian Porter screamed at the top of his lungs for the bouncers to come and protect him, before running away from the scene as fast...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Harvey Norman are under fire this week, as everyone starts to realise they are a bunch of thieving dogs. This is in reference to the company of course, not the underpaid retail workers whose welfare the boss couldn't give a fuck about. Known colloquially as the 'Final Boss Boomer' Gerry Harvey has lost considerable standing in the business community, as...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT SORRY BUT THAT'S ALL WE GOT: Townsville will host State of Origin game one on June 9, with the ongoing lockdown in Victoria forcing the game to change venues from the MCG. Initially, the NRL had been looking at another "neutral" venue like Perth, Adelaide or Canberra - after relentless whingeing from the Hillsong Blues. However, that was not to...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The entire state of Victoria was sent into yet another indefinite lockdown last Friday, as Melbourne's coronavirus cases continue to climb off the back of the newest quarantine outbreak. There were 49 active cases as of midnight on Saturday. When asked how the federal government planned on supporting casual workers through their fourth lockdown, Trade Minister Dan Tehan has said...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NSW Labor leader Jodi McKay has announced her resignation following weeks of escalating pressure from within the party. This mutiny appears to have been triggered by the statistically guaranteed loss that her party suffered at the Upper Hunter By-Election, as the hobby farmers and polo horse breeders took to the ballots to make it clear that they couldn't give...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The 52 lucky finalists for the 2021 Archibald Portrait Prize were unveiled yesterday morning at the Art Gallery of NSW. Finalists were also announced for the Wynne Prize (for landscape painting) and the Sulman Prize (for "subject painting, genre painting or mural project") - two equally esteemed gongs that are showcased in the AGNSW alongside 'The Face That Stops...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Newcastle bloke Joey Knight (29) has decided that he's gonna lift off this evening, as he returns from the TAB kiosk and makes his way to the bar. His plan to go 'full late-nineties' was confirmed moments ago, when he politely asked the bartender to serve him a VCR. According to the 2002 Oxford Dictionary Hunter Region Edition, a...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Victorian Government has bid thee farewell to Melbourne's thriving medieval reenactment community, as the chainmail enthusiasts are ordered to undertake a 12 day home isolation. The SwordCraft medieval battle recreation event in Parkville has been listed as Tier 1 exposure site after a positive case attended on Friday last week. It is believed the positive case was in...