ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The man standing between us and the inflation monster that’s threatening to kill us all threw himself to the ground in Sydney’s Circular Quay last night and just vomited in disgust after seeing so many people spending frivolously in the economy.

Over the past year, RBA Governor Philip Lowe has waged war against inflation by absolutely caning mortgage-holding Australians with rate rise after rate rise in an effort to dry up loose change in the economy.

Mr. Lowe was reportedly enjoying the free attractions of the ongoing VIVID Festival on Sydney Harbour last night when he spied a young man tapping his Apple Watch on an EFTPOS terminal being held by a food truck operator.

Speaking to The Advocate, Mr. Lowe said he was annoyed that the man hadn’t packed dinner but felt it was okay for him to buy a “hamburger or something” while out and about.

“But after seeing that this man had just paid $40 for five churros, I just collapsed,” he said.

“It’s just… the fucking waste. The unnecessary stimulation of the economy. It’s just fucking dough and sugar. In no fucking world is it worth $40. It’s not even worth half that. It’s worth $4. At most.”

“I just collapsed to my knees and vomited all over my hands. All over my Patrick Johnson suit. It went everywhere. Then I remember letting out a guttural, primal scream.”

Onlookers were shocked at first, but after seeing it was the Reserve Bank Governor, many simply shrugged and went back to what they were doing.

“This is why inflation is so bad. When you buy things like $40 churros, it sets the tempo. If the churros are worth $40, what’s a fucking hamburger worth? $50? Who knows? Who knows where it ends?! I saw another person buy an ice cream with a single fucking scoop for $16. Honestly, it almost drove me to dive into the props of that Carnival cruise ship over there. If it looks like it’s too expensive, it probably is,” he said.

“You don’t have to be the Barefoot Investor to know that spending your money on dumb shit that no cunt needs is not conducive to a healthy economy or a healthy bank balance. Just save your fucking money. Fuck Vivid, the greedy cunts. It should be free.”

More to come.


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