Matthew Geyer, a 42 year-old accountant from Cremorne - waits for his weed dealer, Jai.


“Yeah, I’ll be out in a second… just have a seat”

It’s the painful words that no one wants to hear. Particularly a 42 year-old accountant who is beginning to feel ashamed by his habitual marijuana use.

Local father of three, Matthew Geyer, says as a 42-year middle aged father of three – he has a hard enough time finding a reliable and low-key weed dealer in the suburbs. That is, without the added concerns that come with having to forge a peculiar and unwanted friendship with them.

“I’ve been smoking this shit [on and off] since I was seventeen. The only problem I have with my habit is the age-old method of purchase… It never changes”

Mr Geyer says that visiting his newest dealer, Jai, is one of the most humiliating things he has to do each fortnight.

“Look, my wife knows I have a toke every now and then – but my kids don’t, my neighbours don’t… No one else except a few of my mates know,”

“That’s why these covert missions to Jai’s house suck so much. Here I am, feeling like a full-blown junkie (sic), sitting on a 19-year old’s linen couch while he weighs me up a quarter ounce in the kitchen.”

“It’s not uncommon for him to have four or five mates sitting around punching cones and playing Guitar Hero… With me in the middle… I am a fucking accountant! What the fuck is wrong with me?”

Geyer claims that the “awkward couch-time” was the catalyst for many of his like-minded adult friends to quit smoking marijuana – but like many habitual users, Geyer can’t explain why he “just keeps going back”.

“It’s not that bad once I’ve left this little deadshits house, because I know I don’t have to worry about him for another few weeks. But each time I rock up and knock on that door… I hate myself. My mates are right – it’s just not worth the shame,”

“I am not even sure what the go is… it might be his parents place… I just don’t care. About him or his no-hoper mates,”

However, as bad as it is dealing with Jai – Geyer believes it could be, and has been, much worse.

“There was this one little creep that carried on like he was Tony Montana… He would change numbers every three weeks and would only ever come to me,”

“I’d have to wait down the street at the footy oval – and even then he would make me get in his car and do a lap with him.”

“Jai’s alright, but I would be so stoked if this shit got legalised – the awkward couch-time does my head in. His mates play the shittest music and they talk absolute nonsense,”

“One of them tried to tell me that 9/11 was an inside job by the US Government… I am far more sophisticated than this”







  1. Jai is clearly not a professional and is the reason why Mr Geyer is so disastisfied with the experience.

    Our customers keep coming back not for the product but for the experience. Experience is the key (just ask any marketing professor these days).

    Our most popular package deal involves being grabbed off the street, a black bag over the head, and hustled into a SUV by guys dressed up to look like CIA blackops complete with cardboard weapons (airsoft is too expensive). The customer is then brought on a winding route throughout the city to shake off “pursuers” before being brought to a discreet location in the outback where they are intensely interrogated as I sit across them in a dimly lit room with the shadows hiding my face.

    As the conclusion, we “plant” the product on them and push them out of the SUV by the roadside before speeding off (while staying within the safe limit).

    Our customers routinely tell us that “it makes me feel like James Bond at the end of Casino Royale” and one customer told us that it rescued his dying marriage because his wife was under the impression that he was leading a double life as a secret agent and “that is so hot”.

    Mr Geyer should contact us to give our services a try and we would be happy to extend a special first time discount to him. To contact us, write in to your nearest police station with your details and desired product quantity and they will forward it to us.


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