ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A prospective homebuyer from our town’s north has been laughed at this afternoon by his own parents after he asked them if they could perhaps gift him hundreds of thousands of dollars so he could put a deposit down on a proper French Quarter shitbox.
He thought it was worth a shot but ultimately, Shaun Daleford told our reporters that he wishes he never made the call.
“Oh man,” he said.
“My Dad absolutely roasted me.”
The 34-year-old systems analyst at a prominent logistics company can see the funny side of the exchange now, which was punctuated by the machine gun laugh of his aging father.
“Dad was like, ‘Have you been drinking, son? In what fucking world, on what fucking planet do you think we have the capacity to do that? Mate, we’d be hard-pressed to guarantee anything. Our house is worth fuck all as it is. No cunt wants to live in Betoota Heights. It’s worth $300,000. On a good day. To a stupid cunt,”
His father continued.
“You’ve got your mother in stitches. She’s still working. I’m still working. Mate, I’m so old, I bought Dark Side Of The Moon with my own money. In London,” he said.
“Look, I’m sorry, mate, that I’m not one of those dads who can just make it rain like most of your mates can, but fuck me, you didn’t have a bad life and you certainly didn’t have a shit education, so I’m sorry but you’re going to have to work this shit out for yourself,”
“I know it’s going to be harder for you than it was for me, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Also, your mother and I are going to reverse mortgage the shit out of this place, so don’t expect much when we go. Knowing me, you’ll probably have to pay to have my nappies changed for ten years when I lose my mind. Maybe your mother will have the common decency to smother me when that happens,”
“Anyway, mate, look forward to seeing you on Sunday.”
Shaun shrugged.
“So that’s pretty much it. If you don’t ask the question, then you’ll never know the answer [laughs].”
More to come.
