EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

The nation’s hellish neighbours and reckless hoons have been spotted celebrating today, as news spread that Tracy Grimshaw would be leaving A Current Affair after spending 17 years conducting investigations on bogans.

Though this decision has been sad news to many who’d grown up with Grimshaw, there are plenty of people coming out of the woodwork to rejoice the TV veterans retirement – namely, all the dirtbags who’d kept their wayward behaviour on the downlow in fear of alerting the Walkley award winning journalist.

It’s unknown who will be replacing Grimshaw at this point or if they have her prowess for finding the cutting edge stories of Australia suburbia, but in the meantime, lawlessness has already started to escalate.

Our reporter takes the streets of Betoota Ponds, where she can already feel an air of excitement brewing.

“I can’t wait to fuck up my neighbour’s hedges”, says Matt Gant, truckie/mechanic/drug dealer, “then I’m going to erect a twelve foot monolith on their front lawn.”

“Nobody can stop me now.”

Another pest, an octogenarian woman who goes by the name of Esmeralda, says she’d been thinking about squatting in her neighbour’s linen closet for years, after sneaking into the bathroom one afternoon and being amazed at how soft the hand towels were.

“Today is a good day.”

“Nature is healing.”

More to come.


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