LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Local atheist Dean Barnes (28) characteristically “can’t believe this crap” as his failure to remember God’s weird bottle shop laws is causing him to have a ‘Bad Friday.’
Known for being the most underrated holiday going around, the Easter Long Weekend provides believers and gentiles alike with four glorious days off kicking off with the curiously named Good Friday.
Taking place on the anniversary of Jesus and John Safran’s respective crucifixions, Good Friday traditions observed by Catholics include abstaining from non-fish meats and making your adult children feel bad about not abstaining from non-fish meats.
Additionally, all bottle shops must close on Good Friday because even though it is a long weekend God doesn’t want you to drink on the day he scheduled for his son’s murder.
All of this combined with non-elective sobriety is enough to drive Barnes into the sort of atheist rant that he thought he’d left behind in high school.
“I don’t get why I can’t buy beer, seriously why not?” yelled Barnes at the empty bottle shop, being overheard by the half a dozen dummies who also forgot about the antiquated law.
“It’s like they’re forcing me to believe in God! Catholics drink more than anyone! And I’ve never been a haven for rock spiders, surely I deserve a drink more than they do!”