As the nation and the government try to frantically wrap their head around what the fuck happened this morning, our federal empathy consultant has reportedly offered up some sage advice.

Jenny Morrison, the wife of Scott Morrison, has implored the Prime Minister to put himself in the shoes of an independent newspaper who doesn’t want to be subject to a tech billionaire who believes his platform should be allowed to roam unchecked.

“Jenny has a way of clarifying things,” he told reporters this morning after brushing off questions about the alleged sexual assault victim who used to work for his party.

“She always has.”

With news sites from the humble Blue Mountain Cultural Centre to The ABC being taken off Facebook, the government has been tasked with trying to come up with a solution to the media code tussle that has people concerned about the future of information and news distribution in Australia.

“Initially I was thinking I should just act in the best interests of the media organisation that pushes our party line, but Jenny told me to think about this in the context of an independent newspaper that is potentially very important to a man,” Morrison said.

“That allowed me to empathise with independent news,” said the man who has spent the last few days victim-blaming and trying to brush aside a sexual assault victim.

“And it’s made me realise, that maybe we should have tried to handle this thing a little better,” said the leader of a country whose independent media is now left feeling cast onto the rocks after not being offered a deal by Google and has now been banned from posting on Facebook.


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