RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

No one with billions of dollars wants to see an elite global banking giant like Credit Suisse shit the bed.

Especially not uber rich oil tycoon, Rudiment Sprocket-Locke (132), who has for generations now kept his hard earned billions secure in the second largest bank of what was up until now considered the safest tax haven in the world; glorious international finance mecca, Switzerland. 

Yes that wealthy European country that’s better than anyone at avoiding World Wars. Their economy is loved by the global tax-avoiding elite because its finance laws offer superior depositor protections, practically ensuring that any deposits will be safe from financial crisis and conflict.

That is unless their major banks unexpectedly shit the bed just like Credit Suisse has done.

“Credit Suisse did what?!” A surprised Sprocket-Locke yelped at the Advocate after we informed him that Credit Suisse was on the brink of collapse.

“But that’s where I keep MY money?!” he said as the realisation dawned that even with a net worth of billions, he was not immune to the troubles engulfing global economies today.

The Advocate can confirm that the youthful looking centenarian was experiencing the exact same debilitating fear Betoota’s working class has felt for the last year. Inflation, rate rises and cost of living pressures are stress-inducing for us commoners and finally now with Credit Suisse shitting the bed, even the uber rich are feeling squeezed.

However, while it is pleasurable to watch Sprocket-Locke squirm, when the uber rich’s global banking institutions are suddenly up shit creek, it likely means the rest of the financial system is completely fucked too.

Meaning things are going to get worse for the working class of Betoota.

Luckily for cock bag Sprocket-Locke, the Swiss government forced the country’s largest bank, UBS, to bail Credit Suisse out by taking them over.

“Oh thank God,” the spritely fellow cried as our reporter told him the news. “Wow, it’s the first time in 110 years that I’ve felt this vulnerable. Thank you, young man.” Sprocket-Locke shook our reporter’s hand before hoping into the back of a helicopter and shouting at the pilot, “To Davos post-haste!”


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