At the time of writing, it has been confirmed that Australia has been absolutely carving it up at the 2022 Commonwealth Games with the vigour usually only seen in countries with a vicious but much-loved dictator.

With Australia doing a weird thing by proving the things we can achieve without America around, the nation looks on fondly as we smash this final hoorah of a Commonwealth Games before Prince Charles takes the throne and we ditch this commonwealth.

Since the invasion, the land on which we live has been part of the British Commonwealth.

However, Australians are coming to the realisation that we’ve never really given three-fifths of a shit about the Commonwealth Games, or the Commonwealth for that matter, and that perhaps we should bounce once Charles is in charge and we’re done nihilistically shredding through these games.

“No, it’s got nothing to do with waiting for Queen Elizabeth to die before making our move,” stated Australian Republic Association board member Llewellyn Dish, who did check over his shoulder for The Queen before making that comment.

“It has everything to do with Charles being in power and everyone taking a look at him and going ‘if we’re gonna change the money it might as well be for a good reason.’”

“I mean do you really want him on the five dollar note? His sunken composite sketch of a face giving you his beady sex eyes every time you’re trying to pay for a cheese and bacon roll?”

“It is high time we left this farcical relic of a union. Once we’ve served them in the netball of course!”


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