A new government study into anticipatory salivation has found that at least 70% of people who eat dinner or lunch at pubs with vibrating food pagers have experienced ‘phantom buzzing’.

The new study, conducted by the Licensing Inquiries and Testing For Australian Management (LitFam) ombudsman, has found that thousands of Australian’s each year have admitted to mistakenly thinking that their meal is ready to be picked up from the counter.

70% of those who admitted to experiencing phantom buzzing also admitted to standing up prematurely, before realising that someone must have bumped the table or something.

“I feel like Pavlov’s fucking dog” says local panel beater Luke Brace (4)

“I have a biologically potent stimuluis paired with a previously neutral stimulus every time I put that buzzer in front of me”

“It doesn’t matter if it goes off or not. My body keeps telling me it’s time to eat”

“I’m like, where’s me fucking shnitty! ha ha ha”


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  1. My girlfriend left her buzzer going full throttle for twenty minutes before she decided to do something about it. I could only get grunts and groans out of her for twenty minutes until she had to go to the ladies room to retrieve it from her ‘nether region’. She can be so damn clumsy at times but she had a really great time there and was very keen to go back again soon.


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