ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A gibbering old fool from our town’s Heights district has decided this week to stop being such a social and economic handbrake on the nation by getting stuck with the locally-made AstroZuchinni spicy cough fixer.
Dennis Horwell, who says he loves this country more than his wife, explained that he had no idea that the Astro was made by “fucking Australians” down in Victoria while the “fucking Yanks” made the Michelle Pfeiffer that he and his greedy cohort have decided they want.
“It’s Australian made, so it must be good,” he told this masthead today via telephone.
“All those softcocks who cut sick and croak from it mustn’t be made of the right stuff. It’s just Darwinism, mate. Survival of the fittest. My heart is in such good nick, you could put it in a Karcher and powerwash the grime off my terracotta tiles!”
“I had my apprehensions with this fucking Astro, I won’t lie. But yeah, I thought it was made it bloody England or China. You ever own an English car? They might look nice but even Kerry Packer had better parts inside him. You can throw all the money in the world at a British-made car and it’ll still fucken break down on you. Like driving a Chinese-made car. You might as well be on a pushbike if you have a crash in them. The chassis made from chicken bones, the panels made from old newspapers. Good luck, Fred. Your organs will be in Derryn Hinch before sundown if you’re behind the wheel of a Great Wall!”
“Anyway, that’s what got me over the line. If it’s Aussie made, it’s good enough for me.”
Mr Horwell then let out an earth-shattering cough and apologised.
“Sorry, I’ve gotten back on the filterless Camels. Christ on a tandem bike with his strict father, they knock you about, these things do.”
More to come.