ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The capital city shitebags caught up in the Optus data hack have been offered free talk and text after 8pm by the telco as it looks to minimise what a gargantuan fuck up they had last week.

Millions of Australians who trust Optus to send their messages, connect their calls and beep beep their internet were victim to one of the largest leaks of personal data in Australian history.

Much of that information is now available for sale online and that has local customer Rex O’Poole on edge.

The 67-year-old reformed arsonist said he’s worried that those who stole his data might use it against him.

“We’ve all done things we aren’t proud. I burned down the Anglican Church on Davidson Street. I regret doing that,” he said.

“But now that these Albanian teenagers have stolen my date of birth, my address, my government name, I don’t know what to think. Imagine if they get a credit card with my name on it. I’d have to go back to torching things for the insurance money,”

“It’s not good enough.”

However, the Optus CEO told The Advocate today that they’re making it up to their loyal customers the only way they know how.

“We have decided to give our customers a special gift for sticking with us,” said CEO Kelly Bayer Rosmarin.

“Everyone remembers free talk and text! [explosive laughter] It’s coming back! Optus is giving every customer free talk and text after 8pm everyday until the end of the month. You can call anyone you want for however long you want. Except for overseas. You can also text all your friends for free after 8pm. No need to top up your credit!”

“No picture messages, though. They’ll still be $1.50 per message sent and received.”

More to come.


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