ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Friend to women and New South Wales Police Commissioner Michael “Mick” Fuller has shrugged off criticism of his sexual consent app and today floated the idea of having a statutory declaration signed by two parties in the presence of a Justice of the Peace (JP) before any sexual contact.

“The JP would then stay for the foreplay element of the sex,” explained Fuller.

“Which falls under the first part of the contract. Then when or if the time comes for full penetrative sex, another statutory declaration will need to be signed,”

“Then once penetration has been achieved, the JP will then ask both parties if they’re enjoying said penetration and if they are, the JP when then retire to the corner of the room and avert their eyes until the sex is over,”

“However, a further statutory declaration will be needed to ejaculate inside either party. Furthermore, before all of this, a prior agreement in the form of a signed contract witnessed by a JP will need to stipulate a predetermined bodily location for the ejaculate to be placed and/or thrown at climax. Different rules will apply to each part of the body. Special consent will be needed for the following locations: ass, tummy, back, feet, hair and breasts. All other locations would be illegal under this proposition. We are, after all, a Christian nation. For, uh, protected sex, no statutory agreement will be needed as long as the protective apparatus is still intact when inspected by the JP,”

“As for same-sex acts of sexual intercourse, uh, I’m not sure of the mechanics of that, I will ask one of my many LBGTI liaison officers how that works but, uh, just sit tight and the NSW Police will get back to you,”

“Right, uh, any further questions?”

To the rear of the press conference, the NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard blinked twice quite heavily and breathed out shaking his head.

“All right then. Look forward to seeing the media tear this idea apart as well!”

More to come.


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