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A well-adjusted young man is on the verge of tears today after his domestic life partner put her foot down.

An absolute worst nightmare is now a reality for 27-year-old Betoota Heights man, Mike Donollon, who said he’d rather do a lot of things than spend 11 days cruising the South Pacific with his wife’s immediate and extended family.

After meeting wife Jahn’s family for the first time, Mike said they immediately put him on the outer after he failed to name a single V8 Supercar driver. He was lambasted by Jahn’s father for working in finance, reportedly calling him a “city wanker” a number of times over dinner which brought raucous laughter from those present.

“The first night, I suffered the ultimate humiliation,” said Mike.

“Jahn’s family were annoyed to be sat with ‘the help’. We were sat at the captain’s table – and when Jahn’s father was calling me names, even the captain was laughing at me. He was wearing knee-high socks and a silly hat.”

Donollon has long been fascinated by the type of person who thinks going on a cruise is a good idea, but he never anticipated that his question would be answered from under his nose.

P&O Cruises are very reasonably priced. This, Mike says, is where the problem lies.

“The past 11 days were a struggle. You could say it was my own personal Kokoda,” he said.

“Or Changi. It was a real slog. We did activities and drank every day. I went drinking on my own for the first time in my life. We played pickleboard on the third day and Jahn’s father hit the ball off the ship into the Pacific after I beat him. We went to trivia, saw a magic show. Also saw some comedy. They booked Kamal for the comedy show. He just got up there and sang. Nobody cared, too. It was bizarre.”

A spokeswoman from P&O said that this is not an uncommon problem faced by some of their guests. At the start of last year, the cruise line included the ABC onto their basic channel pack and have included more destinations that aren’t Fiji.

“Albeit rare, we do have guests on board that don’t wear V8 Supercar team gear everyday,” said the official.

“For the more astute person, we have on-demand programmes like QI and the news.”

When news broke in 2019 that the only alcoholic beverages on one P&O Cruise that year were Jim Beam and Cola cans, the company came under fire for pandering to a certain type of passenger.

It was on that very same cruise that over 4 tonnes of fresh pâté and soft cheese went off after nobody ate them. The ship had to be restocked in nearby Aukland after running out of microwave popcorn and flavoured condoms on the Trans-Tasman leg of the journey.

“We always run out of flavoured condoms and microwave popcorn,” said the official.

“On our Elvis-themed cruise last year, we went through sixty 44-gallon drums of personal lubricant.”

More to come.


  1. Tell them all to go to hell and stay put ,when she gets back , your wife will either forgive you or try to kick you out accept that and tell your wee wifey it is your body ,your life and your decision,not hers Asfor the inlaws, tell them to budda off

  2. Poor bugger. At least he can drown his sorrows in Beam & Cola. Unlike the time I went and they ran out of piss on day 2. It was a disaster! Only thing they had left was West Coast Cooler. After 9 days of that stuff I was singing Peter Allen songs, won the charades contest, and bedazzled my board shorts. When I got back my doctor put me on a series of testosterone injections and made go to the Summer Nats to restore my manhood.

  3. Oh I totally understand. Thank god the cruise I went on was only 5 days long. It was like being locked inside an RSL club . Same quality food drinks and the worst bands known to man. The female singer sounded like a wounded cat. My ex husband loved it all about quantity not a shred of quality in site. Im sure it was the old Fairstar give a new name . HORRID.


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